3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
