I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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