how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
