i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
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