Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
