the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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