I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
