i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
