I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
