I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
A bitchslap is in order.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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