Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
