currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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