I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Randomize
