where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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