Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
