I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Randomize
