Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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