Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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