I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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