Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
