ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
