Taylor Swift is so right about you.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
