I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
I'm really busy with my period
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