It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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