Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
