The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
