It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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