the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
