Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
