I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Randomize
