Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
