Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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