Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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