I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
