I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I think my fart just growled at me.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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