I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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