I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
