Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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