Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Randomize
