He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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