Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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