he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
