We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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