Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
