I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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