k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
