my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
of course. lets lasso hookers.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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