Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
where are you?
Hypothermia
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
