I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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