U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
