Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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