I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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