I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Randomize
