We won't sleep together?
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
