I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
